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#1 Alyse

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 11:20 AM

..and then the phone rang. I rushed to pick it up, but I was too late. My iPhone read "Missed Call" across the smooth screen. My mom had called. She left no voicemail, at least not with words. A single crashing noise was what came from the other end. The terrible sound echoed in my brain. My heart sank. Was she ok?
It was unlikely she even had reception--she was flying...
Earlier that morning she had told me that someday my father would die doing what he loved: flying. She had explained, " I feel in my gut that he will die...I want to be there when he does."
Her words replayed in my mind, over and over. The crash in the voicemail replayed in my mind, over and over. My heart stopped. It couldn't be true. Them? Dead? No. These kinds of coincidences don't happen to normal people. Do they? No. They don't. The cant...can they? Tears filled my eyes
I sat down on my small sofa, numb. I still had my phone in hand. I dialed her number, slowly, carefully as my hands trembled. Ring...ring...ring...a calm voice answered, "Hello. May I ask who I am speaking with?"
"C-C-Courtney...um, Courtney Daines," I answered.
"You wouldn't happen to be Peter and Erika Daines' daughter, would you?"
I hesitated, " I am...are they alright?!?"
"I am sorry to say, your father, Peter, is dead, the result of a terrible plane crash... " She paused, I wanted to scream, "we are trying to unbury your mother from the rubble, all we have is her phone so far. I will contact you when we know more if you would like. Ok, Courtney? I am truly sorry."
"Ok," I choked on my sobs. My dad was dead. Was it possible? Dead? What about mom? My thoughts wondered.
I cried. I paced. Five minutes passed. I checked my phone, insure if I wanted any news...and then the phone rang.

Thanks for reading!

#2 CLA

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Posted 27 April 2013 - 10:55 PM

I feel like what the lady over the phone says should be revised. Primarily,
"I am sorry to say, your father, Peter, is dead, the result of a terrible plane crash..." She paused, I wanted to scream, "We are trying to unbury your mother from the rubble, all we have is her phone so far. I will contact you when we know more if you would like. Ok, Courtney? I am truly sorry."
I don’t think she should be told that her father is dead over the phone, maybe have her be told that he’s in critical condition, or they’re trying to resuscitate him or something? I think, “We are trying to unbury your mother from the rubble,” should be reworded somehow, more sympathetically put. And as for “all we have is her phone so far. I will contact you when we know more if you would like. Ok, Courtney? I am truly sorry." I would change it to “so far all we have is her phone. Courtney? Are you still there? Just breathe; I will let you know as soon as we know more. I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing.” Or something like that.

Minor correction:
I cried. I paced. Five minutes passed. I checked my phone, insure (unsure) if I wanted any news...and then the phone rang.

Overall though, very good!

#3 Miss Madison

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Posted 03 May 2013 - 03:55 AM

I feel like what the lady over the phone says should be revised. Primarily,
"I am sorry to say, your father, Peter, is dead, the result of a terrible plane crash..." She paused, I wanted to scream, "We are trying to unbury your mother from the rubble, all we have is her phone so far. I will contact you when we know more if you would like. Ok, Courtney? I am truly sorry."
I don’t think she should be told that her father is dead over the phone, maybe have her be told that he’s in critical condition, or they’re trying to resuscitate him or something? I think, “We are trying to unbury your mother from the rubble,” should be reworded somehow, more sympathetically put. And as for “all we have is her phone so far. I will contact you when we know more if you would like. Ok, Courtney? I am truly sorry." I would change it to “so far all we have is her phone. Courtney? Are you still there? Just breathe; I will let you know as soon as we know more. I am truly sorry for what you are experiencing.” Or something like that.

Minor correction:
I cried. I paced. Five minutes passed. I checked my phone, insure (unsure) if I wanted any news...and then the phone rang.

Overall though, very good!

I agree.




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