1 reply to this topic

[sparks_fly]

My book, 'The Adventures Of Camaloytz' is kinda like a Narnia, Harry Potter, Wrinkle in Time sort of book


CHAPTER ONE
It was a cold winter day in a small city in the middle of Germany. Five children were walking down the sidewalk. Very slowly as they watched the cars go by and the horrid smell of the blacksmith made the city quite unfavorable. Suddenly, the youngest child, Abbie, scrambled out into the street. "My purse! Oh Hella we just can't let my purse get ran over by a car!" She told the oldest girl. She ran into the street, she picked up her purple purse and hurried back to the sidewalk. "Abigail! What were you thinking?" Said the very oldest, Caleb. "Come on!" Demanded the other boy, who was sligtly younger then Hella, who was 14. ...........................

much help needed, please help with character names, looking for english, german, and russain names. And also help with rest of chapter!!! all imput is appriciated!!! sorry for the spelling and grammer. I'm in a hurry.

[Katie-Nana]

Hate to say this but it needs a lot of work. One of the things I learned in my college writing class is that you need to grab the audience's attention with the first paragraph and start with the action. You have a good dramatic action of a little girl running in front of cars to collect her purse but you spend more time discribing the children and their ages than you do describing the action.

So maybe you could start it like this....

The purple clutch (clutch is a stronger word to use because it is more specific so it creates an image) Abigail had gotten for her birthday slipped from her grasp as she and her siblings crossed the busy street downtown. (I'm taking a bit of creative liscence here...) Abigail had never before been to the city and everywhere she looked there was something new and interesting to see. Her eyes combed the street as she tried to take it all in. Then she noticed the purse, her purse, just inches away from being crushed by the speeding cars. Without thinking she darted into traffic, just barely dodging a white delivery van and a truck loaded with egg crates. (The more specific in the description the easier for the reader to picture the situation and keep interest) A green sudan slammed its breaks suddenly, blocking traffic as Abigail retreived her clutch and made it safely back to the sidewalk and her anxious siblings.

"Abigail, what were you thinking," Hella, her eldest sister, yelled to be heard above the honking cars and angry drivers.
"I couldn't let my purse get run over by a car; it would have been ruined."

....I hope this helped.