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Foster vs. Adoption

Hi there! I know that this is a naming site, but it seems like it’s also a place to get advice for everything. I’m currently in the process of adopting a child in the foster system. And I was wondering if there were any moms on here that have also done that or adopted at all that could give some advice on getting him more comfortable? He is 7 and has been in foster care sine he was 2. He’s name is Maxton James (he’s birth name) which we are going to keep. Thanks in advance! -Emily, Jase and Max :)

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Poll created: Dec 22, 2013
Total Votes: 0


No advice, just wanted to say i think it is awesome you are fostering! my hubby and I are considering getting licensed in the next couple years:) hope someone has some experience to help you with:)
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
I have been fostering for three years now. It is both the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done. My advice to you would be to not have expectations and to be patient. It is going to be a long process and you will take steps forward and then take steps back. Just be open and honest about how you are in this for the long haul and keep your word. Good luck! If you ever want to talk more or have questions I would be more than willing to listen.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
I adopted my youngest two. The oldest of the two was adopted out of the foster system as well. He was very shy and couldn\’t stay anywhere without my husband or I. We started to go to a family friend of ours that has 2 children and what that did for him was amazing. He started to come out of his shell a bit.
I would spend a lot of time with him but also get him used to other children.
Good luck!
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Thank you both! I do have a question, We have had Max since the begining of December (I know that’s not that long) and you can tell he’s still trying to figure this whole thing out. With christmas right around the corner, I was wondering if we are supposed to make a huge deal out of it or keep it on the small side? They didn’t really do cmas in the foster home before we had him, so I’m a little worried it might make him more confused if we give him a huge cmas? You know? Also in our classes prior to getting him, they said not to rush mom and dad but to let him say it when he was ready. Yesterday he called me mommy! I started crying with out meaning to and he thought I was mad at him, I told him time and time again I was crying with joy, but he hasn’t said it again. How can I fix this?!?!
posted by Poll Poster :: 4 years ago | report
Thank you! ^^
posted by Poll Poster :: 4 years ago | report
I think you know him best and if you think he would do better with a smaller Christmas than that would be a better idea for this year. Maybe do something low key like make hot chocolate, get in Christmas PJ’s and watch a movie? Spending time and not a ton of money is what I would do.
As far as him calling you Mommy- yay! That is such an amazing moment. Give him time and try your best not to get upset if he stops for a little while. If he has done it once it is only a matter of time before he does it again.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Thank you very much!! I think that’s a wonderful idea, especially since he’s not use to the whole Santa thing.
He has really started to take to me! He still is a little timid around my husband, is that normal? My husband is at work most of the day, while I’m a stay at home Mom, for the time being. Do you think that could be the cause?
posted by Poll Poster :: 4 years ago | report
If he is spending more time with you than I think that is totally normal. You also need to consider his past. Has he had positive or negative male figures around him? That can all impact how he acts around your husband. Setting up some special things they could do, just the two of them has been helpful for my husband and our boys. But only if he is ready for that.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Thank you again! You are truly helping me :) He and his Dad go on a fishing trip ever June and he is going to take Max, this year! So they have had fun getting ready for that, Max also love Legos! So he’ll play those with him because Max says that’s not for girls :) We don’t know much about his foster past, but we know his mother wasn’t fit to raise him so she gave him up. Nothing has ever been said about his Dad. He does have a problem sleeping in his room alone, because he used to share with two other boys. So either I’ll sleep in there with him or he’ll sleep in our bed. Should I let that continue until he’s more adjusted?
posted by Poll poster :: 4 years ago | report
It sounds like you guys are doing great! Max is lucky to have you. I think that as long as you guys are having conversations about him eventually sleeping on his own it is fine to continue to sleep in his room or him in your room while he adjusts.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Thanks!! I’ve ordered him these super cute Lego night light things, so that his room won’t be so scary at night, and I’m giving a bedtime story tape for cmas that way he won’t feel so alone while trying to sleep. I really hope that helps him, even though I absolutely love having him sleep next to me! It makes me feel a lot better knowing he’s comfortable enough with me to do that. Thank you again for helping me so much! I have two more questions ;) In the spring there is a little kids soccer league that he’s old enough to join, do you think I should sign him up or wait until it’s closer and see then? Me an my husband plan to foster-adopt again, but probably not until we’ve had Max for a year. What are your thoughts on that? How has it worked for you?
posted by Poll Poster :: 4 years ago | report
No problem :) I am always happy to talk to other Foster/Adoptive parents!
For us, it has been helpful to let him decide what to do. So offering up some options for him to do including soccer and letting him pick but also making sure he gets involved in something.
We have Foster to adopted two boys. We have had multiple other Foster children throughout the three years we have been Foster parents. For us, it has been all about communication. Our boys are also older though so that made a difference as well. I say include Max in the decision and always make sure he is feeling good about it.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Thanks! Right now I think we are just going to focus on being a family & stop worrying about the details. Max has been showing a lot if interest in getting a pet, and we were told that might be a good idea to have someone special for him. So we are probably getting him a puppy! Ah! Wdyt? Good idea? And thank you again! It is really nice to be able to talk to someone who has been through it! My sisters have children but I’m the only one who has adopted in my family, so they don’t really get it.-Emily
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
I think a pet is a wonderful idea! Especially since he initiated it!
I totally get sisters all have kids as well but fostering and adopting older kids is completely different and other people just can’t relate or understand.
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report
Awesome! Yeah it is very different! But so completely awesome!!! I think we might let him pick it out rather than make it a surprise, because I think he’ll like that more. And we are defiantly adopting a dog! Thank you for all the help! Best wishes - Emily
posted by guest :: 4 years ago | report

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